Wednesday, April 1, 2009

oh blurg

i admit it.  

the stupid recessions got me down.  we're making cuts at work.  we've laid people off.  we have to send people home if there isn't enough work for them.  it's extremely stressful for me, and if history shows anything i don't handle stress all that well.  i start worrying about stuff that's absolutely not important. 

if leslie and i weren't moving to an apartment that's actually $5 less a month than what we currently pay, i'd be completely freaking out.  last night when i went over to meet our landlord and look at the place he was showing me the upper unit- hoping we'd take that one.  yes its a little bigger and nicer- but not for $255 a month extra.  not when i could end up unemployed, or taking a pay cut.  unemployment doesn't pay the bills.  not by a longshot.  and no one is hiring.  

so, when i couldn't sleep last night for worrying, not because of the economy, my job, $800 for a new clutch in my car,  or anything related to money- i had to keep telling myself, "this will not be the death of me.  at the end of my life, this really won't matter." of course- had i been worrying about my job or the economy i should be saying, "this will not be the death of me. at the end of my life, this really won't matter."  

what kind of gets me out of the worrying state of mind is thinking about my mom. (sorry mom.)  she can worry more than anyone i've ever known.  so when i start worrying, i ask, "wait, is this something my mother would do?  would i tell her 'they make medicine for this?'"  if the answer is yes- then i try to change the topic in my brain.  which is easier said than done.  but i try.  

so- for right now i can't read any books that require thought, because if i do i can't pay enough attention to stick to them.  i tried starting "the return of the native" but hardy is too dense for a time like this.  i'm reading "the alienist" by caleb carr- and it's pretty much perfect for my state of mind.  at least if i'm up worrying, i'm worrying about being murdered by a serial killer, and i can just get out of bed and double check the lock on the front door.


hokgardner said...

Once my therapist, after hearing the long list of things I worry about on a daily basis asked, "What would you do if I had a magic wand and could make all your worries disappear?" I thought for a moment and said, "I'd worry about not having anything to worry about."

I think that's when he gave up on me as a client.

Elaine said...

is that serial killer they keep talking about in LA around where you live? just curious.

i wish i could say "stop worrying" but I know it's hard. just take comfort in the fact that we all feel this way. and if the worst situation came up which would lost your job, home, car just know you have friends/family who wouldn't let anything bad happen to you.

im in constant fear of losing my job. I don't know anyone who feels 100% secure right now.

Keeffer said...

hmm, i don't know of a serial killer going around right now. there's an old one i think they're trying to solve, but i don't know that he's still active.

now i'm curious.

knittergran said...

Oh great, a serial killer where younger daugher is.
One more thing to worry about (since you are blaming me for your worry gene!)